'tis the coward's way
The past month, being our "birthday month", as we call it, was fun. There's no denying that. Expecially last Saturday. My goodness, I think that can qualify to be in my list of "The Best Days of My Life. EVER."
But that was last week.
Let's be precise for a minute, here. Yes, yes, I know I haven't been blogging for the longest time, and, believe me, I've wanted to write, and there's been so much to write about I didn't know where to start. However, I'm writing this blog entry about what I'm feeling today, at this hour, at this minute, at this very second. It's one of those moments that I wish to be blunt, direct, and honest to the point of being harsh and pessimistic. Ignore me if you must.
I'm a pretty visual person, so I'll do this visually. I feel like I'm walking in a beautiful, mysterious garden that's practically begging me to explore it. There are flowers everywhere, and the butterflies flying around me, unafraid of my presence. The skies are blue, the sun is shining, and the white clouds are as fluffy as you can make them. There's beautiful music playing from who-knows-where, and everything seems fine and dandy. That is, if we ignore the thorns I happen to walk on accassionally.
Life is that way, I suppose. There are thorns you have to step on every now and then to shape your character, to build you up and to make you a more disciplined, patient person. They're like the refining fire through which gold have to be faced with, so that their luster and beauty can be unveiled. These are thorns, trials and them freaking problems we have to face with. Those that make life's beautiful moments look more beautiful.
Yes, I know that they're important to me and to my growth. Some thorns are so sharp they make me cry out, but then after enduring the pain, it'll be gone. Honestly, I'd rather every problem was like that. But then, there are the ones that are sharp, but at the same time not, that give you a pain of sorts, but not quite. It doesn't hurt. Not really. But it makes you mighty uncomfortable. And what's worse is it wonn't go away for a long, long time. It's that little pebble that got in your shoe that makes you wince whenever step on it. It's that piece of corn between the teeth in the back of your mouth that you just can get out.
It's one of those things that I bear with, but, sooner or later, will make me want to scream my lungs out in frustration. Or just find a deep, dark hole to crawl into so that no one and nothing can bother me. I know it's the coward's way: not facing the challenges as they come. That's me right now, to be completely honest.
Right now, I just wish everything would just...disappear.
I think it's just the knowledge that there's something great that's coming for me, and the faith that everything's temporary, that makes me hold on -- no matter how weak my grip may be. That's what lets me smile and look like nothing's wrong when I'm outside. And then, finally, when I'm in my room and there's no one who can see me but the King, I just fall on my knees and brokenly admit that I'm not so strong, that I'm not OK, and that I want to give up. Finally I can have the courage to surrender everything to Him.
And then that'll be His cue to show me for the millionth time just how magnificently powerful He is.
But that was last week.
Let's be precise for a minute, here. Yes, yes, I know I haven't been blogging for the longest time, and, believe me, I've wanted to write, and there's been so much to write about I didn't know where to start. However, I'm writing this blog entry about what I'm feeling today, at this hour, at this minute, at this very second. It's one of those moments that I wish to be blunt, direct, and honest to the point of being harsh and pessimistic. Ignore me if you must.
I'm a pretty visual person, so I'll do this visually. I feel like I'm walking in a beautiful, mysterious garden that's practically begging me to explore it. There are flowers everywhere, and the butterflies flying around me, unafraid of my presence. The skies are blue, the sun is shining, and the white clouds are as fluffy as you can make them. There's beautiful music playing from who-knows-where, and everything seems fine and dandy. That is, if we ignore the thorns I happen to walk on accassionally.
Life is that way, I suppose. There are thorns you have to step on every now and then to shape your character, to build you up and to make you a more disciplined, patient person. They're like the refining fire through which gold have to be faced with, so that their luster and beauty can be unveiled. These are thorns, trials and them freaking problems we have to face with. Those that make life's beautiful moments look more beautiful.
Yes, I know that they're important to me and to my growth. Some thorns are so sharp they make me cry out, but then after enduring the pain, it'll be gone. Honestly, I'd rather every problem was like that. But then, there are the ones that are sharp, but at the same time not, that give you a pain of sorts, but not quite. It doesn't hurt. Not really. But it makes you mighty uncomfortable. And what's worse is it wonn't go away for a long, long time. It's that little pebble that got in your shoe that makes you wince whenever step on it. It's that piece of corn between the teeth in the back of your mouth that you just can get out.
It's one of those things that I bear with, but, sooner or later, will make me want to scream my lungs out in frustration. Or just find a deep, dark hole to crawl into so that no one and nothing can bother me. I know it's the coward's way: not facing the challenges as they come. That's me right now, to be completely honest.
Right now, I just wish everything would just...disappear.
I think it's just the knowledge that there's something great that's coming for me, and the faith that everything's temporary, that makes me hold on -- no matter how weak my grip may be. That's what lets me smile and look like nothing's wrong when I'm outside. And then, finally, when I'm in my room and there's no one who can see me but the King, I just fall on my knees and brokenly admit that I'm not so strong, that I'm not OK, and that I want to give up. Finally I can have the courage to surrender everything to Him.
And then that'll be His cue to show me for the millionth time just how magnificently powerful He is.
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